It's a funny thing, rooting for a team with Adam Eaton on it. He gets rocked (again) in a meaningless spring training game, but instead of "I didn't bring my best today" or "the old curveball didn't drop today, it's something I have to work on," Eaton treats us to headlines like this:
Apparantly Eaton's lower back was bothering him, and he might miss some time. "Obviously, I didn't make good pitches. But at the same time, my back acted up a little bit and I didn't get good extension on anything," Eaton said after giving up four runs in two innings to get his springtime ERA up to a healthy 15.75. Eaton claims that this lower back tightness dates back to last July.
Like clockwork, nothing is Eaton's fault. Springtime ERA of 15.75? He'll say he didn't make good pitches, BUT his back was all ouchy. Drives his car into a bridge abutment? He'll say that, yes, he was nose-deep into his third bag of coke at the time, BUT city planners should really have lighted the streets better. Arrives late to the ballpark? He should have left earlier, BUT the American public should really better utilize the mass transit options available to them, which would decrease road congestion.
Luckily, I have an athlete translator device, and I used it on some soundbytes from Eaton's postgame remarks. Here's what I came up with:
"How'd I pitch today? Who cares? I'm getting more than 15 million dollars for this year and next. That money's guaranteed. So it doesn't really matter how I pitched today. I pitched so good I'm getting 15 million, that's how I pitched today. [Eaton proceeds to urinate on 10 year old boy trying to get Howard's autograph] Yeah, I've got a feeling I'll make the five man rotation."
Ladies and Gentlement, your 2008 Philadelphia Phillies!
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