Phillies 2008 Season Preview

In Expectation of the season to come, all current contributing authors have submitted a Phillies preview. Here it is.

Luis Zendejas I Kick Field Goals

We bought them drinks, massaged their shoulders (especially you Cole), even rubbed their cleatless feet for three consecutive years… only to suffer bullpen dysfunction late in the game, have the door slammed in our collective faces, and slink away dejected, blue-balled and content to pleasure ourselves to men in green. That was until 2007, when the whore that is the New York Mets had too many Apple Martinis (Wright likes his dirty) and left the door slightly ajar. And as everyone knows, you don’t tempt a blue-balled Brett Myers. Just like McLovin’, we hadn’t been laid in 14 years, and we finally stuck it in.

So how do you follow the season in which you finally scored? Probably pretty much like the inevitable, filming-probably-in-progress Superbad sequel – you go to college, the chicks get both hotter and implants (Johan), you ‘re still 135 lbs with spectacles (bullpen), and your friends are still pussies who strike out a lot (Burrell,Howard). Don’t be deterred just yet; there are a few encouraging differences with these 2008 Phillies. Those same pussies that strike out so much sometimes do make contact, there are some bona fide studly men in your troupe, Wes Helms is not going to play nearly as much this season, we were spared Aaron Rowand’s inevitable post-contract-year let-down season, and who cares about Johan Santana? He’s a lefty, and all our power hitters are righties, right?! Wait.

The 2008 Phillies will win more games than they lose thanks to sharing the NL East with some of the biggest nerds in the majors (one of which was essentially castrated in the offseason, thanks Jeff!). But when the going gets tough, the tough see August/September shaping up much like it did last year with one key difference – the Mets will be drinking virgin Apple Martinis this year.

88-74. 2nd place NL East, 2nd place Wild Card.

Lovetron 4000

About two weeks ago, I woke up very early in the morning. Rather than try to go back to sleep, I went downstairs, prepared myself a warm beverage, and walked outside. The sun was just coming up. The sky was cloudy, allowing little fingertips of light to reach down and touch the frosty ground. The first geese were returning from their winter retreat, and I heard them call each other overhead. As I stood there, surrounded by all of Nature's glory, I thought: Dear Lord, the Phillies are going to be terrible this year.

This Phillies team has a made-for-TV set up. We've got the cagey veteran (Moyer), the hothead (Myers), the kid (Kendrick), the All-Star (Hamels), and the washed-up loser (Eaton). We've got ghetto black guys (Rollins) Midwest black guys (Howard) and California White Boys (Utley, Burrell). We've even got a Hawaiian. I feel like I should be able to option this roster to Disney for an afternoon special, maybe even a feature film. Working Title: Batting Gloves Across America (and Possibly the Caribbean).

Unfortunately, the goal in assembling a baseball team is winning games, not the hearts and minds of 10-14 year old girls. Hear that, Chase? In this dimension I like to call reality, there are two halves to every inning. In one of those halves, you're not batting. That means someone has to pitch. For your 2008 Philadelphia Phillies, this is a problem. Our most consistent pitcher, as of right now, is Brett Myers. Which would be fine, if he had ever won more than 15 games in a year, or didn't miss significant time last season, or wasn't converting from being a closer. And that's your Opening Day starter.

Bottom line: There is no one to pitch. Hope is lost.

83-79. 3rd place NL East, 5th place Wild Card