Atlanta Still Haunted By Vick, Drafts Whitest Available QB

In an effort to distance themselves from the whole Vick doggapalooza (What? too soon?), the Atlanta Falcons have selected the quarterback as diametrically opposed to Michael Vick as humanly possible. He's a tall, skinny, white kid from Boston. He just saw his first black person the other day, and sent a telegraph in proper english to his uncle the Duke of Wright to tell him about it. He has two butlers. He's never had fried chicken, and thinks collard greens are an area of a golf course. He even votes Republican. That's how white he is. (Note: Matt Ryan not related to fictional member of the British Royal Family.)

Let's compare

/contrast, shall we?

Matt Ryan, Boston College. 6'5", 218. Throws Righty. Pocket Passer. White as the underside of a snow baby's butt. Recipient of BC's Freshman Male Scholar-Athlete Award. That thing he's standing in? It's called a pocket. All the great quarterbacks do it.

Mike Vick, Virginia Tech. 6'0". Throws Lefty. Not a Pocket Passer. Currently incarcerated in Leavenworth for his role in organizing, maintaining and supplying the financial backing for a dogfighting ring operating out of one of his houses. 2001 Gator Bowl MVP. That thing he's standing in? It's a big pile of sh*t, both literally and metaphorically.

So, in conclusion - Ryan: Skinny, tall, white, natural passer. He even did well in school! Vick:Built, short, black, not a passer. Is it all possible that the Falcons were doing this, I don't know, on purpose?