Pass the Haterade on...Tiger Woods

I can't stand Tiger Woods. I have no idea how this started. I should like Tiger Woods for the following reasons: 1)He's quite possibly the best ever at his chosen field, 2)He carries himself the right way, never getting into trouble or airing his personal life in the media, 3) Did I mention he's very good?

Instead, I can't stand him.

This began a long time before Gatorade Tiger (which I hate, of course). I can't really pinpoint the exact moment at which I began to dislike him. Let's just run down things I don't like about Tiger:

1)He plays golf. Golf is for fairies and old people. Despite being in neither of these demographics, I'm going to start playing golf soon. And I imagine that I'll dislike him even more then, just for being really good at a sport I suck at.

2)Golf is pretty much the most hypocritcal sport ever. It's a game of gentlemen, so long as you're a man, and not Catholic, Jewish, Black, Indian, American Indian, South American, Muslim or female, to name a few. As much as I love the creation of an ethnically delineated perpetual underclass, no thanks.

3) Tiger is a hypocrite. Or, as one guy in my office likes to say "He's a prick. He cries all the time about people denting the greens by leaning on their putters to pick their balls up, and then he leans on his putter to pick up his ball. He's a prick."

4)OVERSATURATION by the Media. For instance, who won the Masters last weekend. I don't know, but I know Tiger came in second. (Trevor Immelman won, apparently.) What I got from the various sports outlets was "Tiger Tiger Tiger Tiger Masters History Green Jacket Tiger Tiger Tiger." Shut up already.

5)It's hard to root for someone who bought their spouse a 22 million dollar yacht as a wedding present. When my buddy got married, a bunch of guys chipped in and got him surround sound speakers. Bit of a disconnect there.

6) Tiger has a Caddy who's his henchman. "An evil henchman?" you ask-- Um, yes.

7) He cries when people make noise while he's playing. Video here. Here's a quote from the golfing Jesus: ''The next time a photographer shoots an [expletive] picture,'' Woods warned, "I'm going to break his [expletive] neck.'' Sure you are, tough guy. Except, out here in what I like to call gen-pop, you're not breaking anyone's neck. You're a golfer. We're not all built like Jim Nantz.

8) He's a cheater. And by "cheater" I mean a narcissistic egomaniac, who assumes the rules only apply to others and not to him. In the 1999 Phoenix Open, he had some people move a boulder out of his way so that he could have a chance at birdie-ing the hole. Even if you don't agree with the "narcissistic egomaniac" tag, it's tough to defend that manuever in this "game of gentlemen."

9)"Tiger" is a nickname. You're over 30. Give it up. This goes for you too, Chipper Jones.

10) The latest which gave rise to this post, is this article on ESPN.com in which Tiger's having knee surgery for a problem he had before the Masters. Not that it's why he lost, but its been bothering him. Everybody could see that. Not that it's an excuse or anything. Really.

I think that about covers it. I'm aware that Tiger's not at fault for the nature of his sport, but that doesn't change my emotional reaction to it. Finally, Tiger has been reared from the age of two or three to play golf, and that's all. The fact that he's very good at golf shouldn't shock anyone.

In Conclusion, Pass the Haterade.