Ode to an Iron Pig

Well, folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the good, since by nature I'm an optimistic fellow. With their victory last night over the punchless San Diego Padres, your Phightin Phils have guaranteed themselves a winning month of April. They're at 15-12 with one day left in the opening month and have done all of this thanks in no small part to the outstanding play of Chase Utley, Pat Burrell, Jayson Werth and, yes it's true, an amazingly solid bullpen, Clay Condrey not withstanding. To be 15-12 at this point despite no Jimmy Rollins, 3 starters with ERA's over 5 and Ryan Howard shaping up to be the reincarnation of Rob Deer, is a miracle.


Now the bad news. From all accounts, the Reading Phillies (AA) are the team that houses the majority of the Phillies minor league top-talent. However, it's the members of this squad that are all still developing and that the big-league club isn't going to be quick to pluck from. That roster of probable call-ups plays for your brand spankin new, Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs! Sooie!

When another injury inevitably pops up this year, hello Brett Myers mysterious declining velocity, it will likely be someone from the AAA Pigs that gets the phone call. And this is where the crux lies. For those who don't gander at the standings of the International League too often, the Pigs are a muddy 3-23! For those unfamiliar with the team, allow me to relay the top 5 things you need to know about your Iron Pigs so that you can impress your co-workers around the water cooler today.



5. The average age of the players on the Iron Pigs roster is 30.5. This means these guys aren't projects, still developing youngsters, but rather that the majority of them are has-beens or never-will-bes. For every Chris Coste, Dennis Quaid, 33 year old rookie, there are 1000 Andy Tracy's, the Iron Pigs 34-year old never-made-it-to-the-big-time first baseman who is tearing it up in AAA this year batting at a .215 clip.

4. There is one Iron Pigs regular batting over .270. In fact, there are only two non-regulars (Shane Victorino and the sweet-swinging JD Durbin) who hit over .270 for the Oinks. Your starting OF's are hitting .247, .232 and .176 respectively, word used loosely. The team batting average is .209.


3. The pitching isn't much better. Only one hurler, Matt Childers, has an ERA under 3.09. 6 guys roll-out to the mound with ERAs over 6.

2. JD Durbin, he who has lost the desire to play at the ripe age of 26, is currently 0-5 with a 9.61 ERA. Just remember this when he gets promoted to the Phillies after Adam Eaton's eventual melt-down. Note for those not paying attention, Kris Benson got hurt again.

1. The team's shortstop is Gookie Dawkins. Yes, that Gookie Dawkins, formerly known as the heir apparent to Barry Larkin. The only redeeming quality is that I can't wait for Gookie Cookie giveaway day at the ballpark this year. Ah, those crazy minor league promotions!

But fear not loyal Phillies fans. There is hope! In Lakewood, (A) last year, the Phils unleashed a now 22 year old Dominican lefty. How did he fare? Fairly well. In 15 starts, he went 9-0 with a 1.87 ERA. He struck out 98 batters in 91 innings and yielded only 3 home runs. This youngster was promoted to Clearwater (High A) this season. Results? In 5 starts, 2-0 with an ERA of 1.17. He's fanned 47 batters in 30 innings. In his latest outing, the south-paw pitched 8 scoreless innings, surrendering 2 hits and striking out 13. It was the 3rd time in his last 4 starts that he reached double figures in strikeouts. He is dominating his league and should be moving up to AA any day now. And here's the best part.

The man's name is Antonio Bastardo. This is arguably better then Fukodome! Can you imagine the jersey sales? The fan clubs? The children born out of wedlock named after him? All of a sudden, I'm praying for Adam Eaton's demise. And thank goodness, I feel this prayer will get answered.