Minutes of The First Board of Directors Meeting

We here at You CAN lose them all decided to have our first Board of Directors meeting at the Standard Tap here in Philly, and I'm going to provide you with a brief rundown of the night's events. Since we were watching the Flyers game most of the time, this is (arguably) sports-related. All times are approximate, and get more and more approximate as the night goes on.

6:25 p.m. I, Lovetron 4000, arrive at Standard Tap. Needless to say, Luis Zendejas is not yet there. He's never on time, despite arranging the entire meeting for 6 p.m. I greet two civilians (not authors but friends of L.Z.) and attempt to get a beer at the bar. I ask the bartender for a beer. I am informed that my waiter will be right around to my table (where the two civilians are sitting). I am astounded that this guy is not going to give me a beer. I must have somehow conveyed my annoyance non- verbally, because the bartender gets me a beer. I'm thinking this bar is very shaky.

6:35 p.m. L.Z. shows up. Despite promising to bring cheesesteaks for all in attendance, he has no cheesesteaks. This night is not looking good.

6:45 p.m. While pretending to listen to LZ and civilians discuss computer stuff, I notice a girl at the bar, sitting by herself eating. Nice build, short, blond with obvious roots. Sundress. These are all positives. I'm a little bothered that she's eating in public-seems like something a girl who's taken would do-but I'm willing to overlook it, saint that I am. I put her on the hit list (yes, it's as awful as it sounds).

6:46 p.m. L.Z. distracts me, and when I turn around, i see that Sundress has moved outside and is smoking. Sorry Sundress, you're off the hit list. That's unsportsmanlike conduct. I'm sure she's devastated.

6:55 p.m. I call Ballz to see where the F he is, and if he knows where another civilian (we'll call him the OG) is. I am informed that the OG has been upstairs for 45 minutes. I call the OG, and he comes downstairs. Ballz shows up and orders a beer. we decide to settle up and head upstairs to try and sit outside, since it's such a nice day.

7:00 - we head upstairs.

7:02 - having found no available tables outside, we head back downstairs. despite sitting in a completely different section, we get the same waiter. He's wearing jeans, a black T-shirt, and he's just kind of funny-looking. He's also spectacularly disinterested in anything anyone says, including their drink and food orders. But I really don't mind these things; the beer is good, and a good IPA covers many sins. I'm thinking this place isn't so bad. Food is ordered.

7:43- Food arives. The french fries and very skinny and delicious. A civilian couple we're sitting with ordered the octopus something or other and the beet salad. I have no idea why anyone would order such things, but they like it. Somebody gets a stout, which smells like bourbon. I stick with my IPA.

8:30 - The conversation turns to physical intimacy, etc, etc. Always a good time. A recent study about certain preventative measures for prostate cancer has validated some social agendas, it seems.

9:00 - we settle up and head out.

9:02 - I have no idea where we are. Everyone decides to go to a bar on Third street, which should be simple to find considering Philaldephia's gridlike street layout. Nevertheless, there is a hotly debated intersection at which everyone decided to turn left.

9:15 - on the way to our destination, we pass another bar. Despite this not being our destination, we all decide to go inside. We see no identifying markings on the outside of the bar. Upon entering, we realize it's Ortlieb's, a well known jazz bar. It looks classy. It's also completely deserted. we all sit down at the bar. The bartender has very pale skin, very red lipstick, a very red halter top, and treats me with very much distain. Needless to say, I'm in love.

9:20 - The bartender disappears for extended periods at a time. Apparantly, our romance has cooled. by now, I'm pretty much just watching the Flyers game.

9:30 - Everyone leaves except me and L.Z., who continue watching the Flyers game. Our bartender reappears, and pours me a draught with less than open disgust. I'm thinking that this is a positive development.

9:35 - Ballz reappears. His car has been towed, due to his parking in a no-parking zone, which was blacked out. Normally this would be bad, but he's got the future Mrs. Ballz' car, because he had a flat. This is now very not good. Double-plus ungood good, if you can dig it.

9:45 - I offer to drive Ballz home, and tell him not to have his brother come get him. I verbally berate him. We decide to head to another bar on 3rd.

9:50 - We arrive at the bar on 3rd. I notice a girl sitting at the bar with very nice calves. L.Z. and I discuss. Ballz is texting an argument back and forth with his significant other. I inform him that this is not a good idea, but he continues. L.Z. tells me that this place is not like it used to be. I do not share in that assessment, since I'd never been there before. We order cheesesteak empanadas and quesadillas, which are good. L.Z. and I agree that our hostess has a bubbly demeanor, which I appreciate. I consider putting her on the hit list. Our waitress, despite her proficiency, just doesn't seem like much fun. I tell Ballz we'll leave at 10, which he knows is a lie.

10:15 - We arrive back at standard tap, where L.Z. orders a pitcher. Ballz is most displeased, which he voices loudly in my direction. I, being a man of honor, respond to such an affront in the manner with which it was given. We continue screaming at each other until L.Z. asks us to stop, as it is making him uncomfortable. We then discuss the BS call that led the Flyers to their loss.

10:47- Standard tap, this time for good. Ballz and I successfully navigate the streets to my car. He gets home, I get home, everybody wins. Another successful board meeting.