A drink that earns it's stripes

As an avid fan (one of 5) of the http://www.youcanlosethemall.blogspot.com/ blog page, I find myself agreeing with almost every blog I read from my three anonymous friends who use the page as an outlet for their frustrations, thoughts and happiness. I do take issue with the “haterade” given to “Gatorade Tiger” however. Tiger Woods make me sick and I hate him for obvious reasons. I plan to take up golf eventually and I know that somehow my money will eventually end up going to Tiger in some way, so why not Gatorade Tiger? As a proud Irishman (read: booze hound), I constantly search for new ways to avoid hangovers, including various sports drinks, pain relievers, and pre-bed foods. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw three new flavors of Gatorade at my local Shop Rite priced at a wallet-friendly $1.00 for a 32 oz. bottle. Since it was it was a Thursday and I planned on drinking once or twice during the weekend, I purchased all three.
On Friday night, I decided to honor my Irish brothers and my taste buds my consuming a few Guinness bottles. Although I practiced moderation for once while watching the Flyers win a shootout for once, I used this opportunity to try the first of the new flavors: Quiet Storm. While I am not in love with the name, I am with the flavor. A light purple color and a refreshing crisp grape flavor made me realized why Eldridge picked it.Quite an achievement, Eldridge (and by Eldridge I mean those Gatorade science guys). After waking up on Saturday and preparing for a likely night of beer pong, I threw “Cool Fusion” in the fridge. Sometime around 2:00 that morning, I vaguely remember drinking some of it and WOW. The following morning I drank what was left and was shocked at the key lime and lemon flavors. Fruity? Yes, in both ways. Delicious? Absolutely. On Sunday, I cleaned the shed and had “Red Drive”, which is basically “X-Factor” with cherry and citrus flavors and is quite delicious. I was shocked that all 3 flavors were at least at a bare minimum serviceable. Let’s break this SOB done, Ballz D McGillicuty style:
The Good: The flavors. All very refreshing and they contain more electrolytes than regular Gatorade apparently. I don’t know what this means but it has to be good. The flavors range from A+ (Cool Fusion) to C+ ( Quiet Storm). I’d rank “Red Drive” but you’ve had it already, trust me, you’ll like it.
The bottle. I don’t know why, but it just looks clean. I feel regal drinking it, so here’s hoping I get a multi-million dollar deal out of drinking it.
The Bad: The names. All pretty lame. I can picture Eldridge sitting around using the Chappelle’s Show voice, saying things like, “Red Drive, I wear red a lot, I drive the ball well and I have a drive to win…PERFECT!!!” What a f@g. Whatever happened to the days when flavors were fruit punch, lemon lime and blue? Or better yet red,green, and blue? Blue is a flavor right?
The marketing. Just another part of the machine that is Tiger Woods. Putting him on the label is a bad touch, and the whole “formulated for Tiger” thing is BS. Look at the ingredients and nutrition facts. It’s the same stuff. I don’t give a crap if the stuff was made for him as long as it tastes good, which it does.
The Hero: Whoever made the Cool Fusion Key Lime and Lemon flavor. It does the whole Lemon/Lime thing without being redundant. Hands down a top 3 Gatorade flavor to come out in the last 10 years, there I said it.
The Goat: Tiger Woods. As I am writing this, my hatred for him is increasing. I hate how he’s trying to be a tough guy now that he hit the weights a little bit. Come on bro, the best thing you’ve ever done was the Chappelle skit and it wasn’t even you.
The Bottom Line: LoveTron4000 may have been sent back in time to change the future for 17-25 lucky ladies a week, but he can not hate on Gatorade Tiger. Hate the man, for all of your stated reasons, but don’t hate the drink. Don’t pass the haterade, pass me another Hop Devil, and when we are done, we’ll drink some Cool Fusion out of a Trevor Immelman cup.